One and Done?

Over the last few months I've had to go to the doctor for a few little things, and every time they ask the same questions: Do you want to go on birth control pills?  What are your plans for birth control?

It's a harder question than one would expect.  I've had a long and complicated relationship with The Pill.  I was a freshman in high school when my period started to become more of an Event: cramps that grew increasingly debilitating over the years. PMS symptoms that began a week before I actually started, and then a period that lasted a full week after that, so I was spending half my life dealing with my menstrual cycle.  Headaches, nausea, the whole kit and caboodle.

I just assumed that was the luck of the draw and I had to deal.  It grew worse until my senior year, when I bowed out of a trip to the mall with my mother and sister after the cramps started.  Sure, I'd had to leave school in the middle of the day from pain, but when I gave up the mall, that's apparently when my mother knew something was really wrong.

I was put on the pill, and it was like the heavens opened up and choirs of angels sang.  Suddenly everything was manageable.  A few years later I had to go back; most of my physical symptoms were much better, but I still had what I unaffectionately called The Crazy, PMS that quite literally left me irrational at times.  My mother's reassuring "I used to throw things, but I grew out of it by the time I was 30" was less than comforting at 19.  And I don't know that the Yeti would have stayed with me much longer.

They switched me to Yasmin, which was new at the time, and again, the choirs of angels.  I stayed on it for several years, but then started to get breakthrough bleeding.  I switched to Yaz, but wasn't on it for very long; it never felt quite right, maybe because it was so similar to Yasmin and I had "grown out of it."  I switched to another one, but it too was never "quite right."

Then my blood pressure suddenly went up and I had to go off the pill altogether.  The Yeti and I were concerned; I was afraid the debilitating cramps would come back, and he was afraid The Crazy would.  Happily, neither was the case.  I was around 27 by then; my mother's magic number 30 wasn't that far away.

I didn't get pregnant 'til I was almost 30.  In the meantime, we used condoms, which weren't a perfect solution but not terrible.  And on the whole, I felt better being off the hormones.  The fact that every time I turned on the TV or looked on Facebook I saw an ad about a class action lawsuit against Yasmin and Yaz helped too.

So when I was asked at my six-week postpartum appointment if I wanted to go back on hormonal birth control, I said I didn't.  I told my doctor we'd use condoms in the meantime and got a raised eyebrow.

The follow-up question is always what our long-term family plans are, and I simply don't know.  Are you supposed to know if you want more children, immediately after having your first?  Before I had Thumper, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted a child.  I was open to the idea of more than one, but I figured I'd start with one and go from there.

On the whole, labor was relatively easy for me.  Even pregnancy was, in terms of how I felt most of the time.  But on the other hand, I was high-risk the entire time, taking two pills four times a day to manage my blood pressure by the end.  I had the magnesium, but I did luck out in that I didn't get pre-ecclampsia.  Thumper may or may not have been smaller due to my bp, but he was also a robust, healthy baby - during all those weeks of NSTs and labor he was never in distress, always thumping merrily along.

I kind of feel like every pregnancy is a roulette wheel, and I really lucked out with Thumper.  And then I wonder if I should quit while I'm ahead.   But on the other hand, if I do want another child, I don't want to wait too long, both for the risks and my own energy levels.

The Yeti would be content stopping now but doesn't want to deny me if I have a burning need for another.  And that's when I realize: currently, I don't have a burning need for another.  If I found out tomorrow my uterus was closed for business, I'd be fine.  So I guess until I feel strongly otherwise, I'll try not to worry about it.

It's hard not having a plan, though.  Especially when I'm asked and all I have is an honest "I don't know."

old pic I found comparing Wondfo and First Response, both 12 DPO