A Good Morning

It's just before seven AM, but we've both been drifting in and out for half an hour.

Thumper makes a noise, but I don't open my eyes.  That noise could mean anything, including falling back asleep. I finally crack them open and immediately nudge the Yeti.  He opens his eyes, looks at his feet, and chuckles.

At the foot of the bed, Thumper has turned completely perpendicular in his crib and is peering through the bars, looking for signs of life.  When he sees me looking back, he breaks into a wide grin.

There's no going back to sleep from this point.  I start to climb out of bed, and the smile grows bigger.  The Yeti instantly falls back asleep.  It's a superpower, really.

I change Thumper and carry him with me into the bathroom.  Sometimes he tries to roll over or sit up in the Rock'n'Play, but not usually in the morning, when he's much more cuddly and complacent.  He watches as I brush my teeth.  It's our routine.

I feed him on the couch and peek at the internet, slowly waking up myself.  The next half hour is spent mostly with Thumper playing with toys while sat in my lap, but he's growing sleepier, not more awake.  He's only been up for an hour, and the Yeti's not even up yet, but I'm not going to deny him rest.  I put him back in the crib with toys and turn on his crib aquarium.

A few minutes later the Yeti's alarm goes off.  I head into the kitchen to make oatmeal for breakfast and the Yeti heads for the shower.

It's instant oatmeal.  Thumper's asleep before it's done.

I eat and crawl back into bed.  For possibly the first time since I gave birth, I feel cozy in bed, not desperately trying to soak up every minute of rest.

We sleep until ten.  It's a good feeling.

When he falls asleep I disengage him from all this

A Moment of Silence

So I know I've been trying to transition Thumper out of napping in the swing anyway, but... the motor just died.  I no longer have my surefire backup (which, let's face it, was still mostly my primary). And the morning nap, the softball, which usually took less than five minutes for him to conk out, just took much, much longer.  And then there was a diaper leak, and a sheet change, and a bath and it was so much later that I fed him a little early.  So he fell asleep nursing.  Yes, I know this is cheating.

Also, he's never successfully slept more than an hour in the crib (for a nap).  We'll see how this goes this time.

I know I've read that the swing uses the same motor as something like a Glade plug-in, but I'd rather just pull the Band-Aid off full stop.  I suppose.

Ugh.

In more functional times

Six Months of Breastfeeding (and counting)

I haven't talked much about breastfeeding, aside from our bumpy-but-not-so-bumpy beginning.  Since we've just passed the six-month mark and Thumper will soon be trying solids (likely this weekend, as I want the Yeti to be there and last weekend we forgot), I want to document a bit of life-before-other-food before I forget.

As of now, Thumper is six months old and exclusively breastfed.  We do not bedshare, but his crib is in our room, so it's pretty easy for me to get up the two-ish times he wakes at night.  On a regular night, he wakes, I change his diaper, he nurses and is back asleep in 7-10 minutes.  The whole process takes around 15 minutes, and now I'm pretty good at falling back asleep immediately.  I say most nights because last night he woke up every hour for some reason, but thankfully that is mostly an anomaly.

The first few months of nursing felt much harder than it does now.  I could never get comfortable with him on the nursing pillow - at six pounds he was so small, he tended to fall in the gap between my stomach and the pillow.  I solved that problem by making myself sit up straighter with pillows behind me, and stuffing a receiving blanket in the gap.  It was often easier to just cradle him in my arms, even though it wasn't hands-free and made my arms tired.

Some habits from those early days remain: when he feeds in the middle of the night I just cradle him, using a receiving blanket under his head as a little cushion, and during the day, though I use the pillow now, I tend to have one arm under his head.  I guess I never mastered the hands-free thing.  I also just realized how weird it is that I use a blanket as a cushion under his head at night, but not during the day.  Well, he doesn't seem to mind.

Obviously breastfeeding hurt at first - my nipples actually had purple bruises in the hospital that made the nurses wince.  Those went away quickly, and everything seemed fairly smooth for a short time.  I got a manual pump and would pump so the Yeti could feed Thumper during some of those night feeds (this was still in the Long Night of having a newborn).

Then things seemed to get worse around two months.  I was sore, and my nipples seemed irritated all the time.  The color was blanching.  At the same time, Thumper was doing that thing where he fussed whenever I fed him.  I spent forever reading online, trying to self-diagnose and solve all my problems.

I was pretty sure that either Thumper or I had thrush, and a few days later, I actually spotted the telltale white spots on the sides of his cheeks.  He was due the next day for his shots as well, but that day the regular doctor had to cancel at the last minute, and we were seen by a nurse practitioner.  She assured me it was a mild case of thrush and all I had to do was put athlete's foot cream (lotrimin) on my nipples, and it would clear it up for both of us in a few weeks.

I tried that, and I also tried other things I had read on the internet; to avoid reinfection, I washed and dried everything on hot, I avoided pumping, I can't even remember what else.  It didn't go away, and seemed to get worse in Thumper.  I took him back in after a week or so and we were both given meds: Nystatin for him and a yeast infection pill for me.  Thankfully, it cleared the both of us right up.

I was still paranoid about nursing, though.  I thought every bit of soreness was a sign of cracks or blisters or clogged ducts or whatever else.  After another month or so of nursing, I came to realize: most of the time it doesn't hurt, but occasionally, due to a lazy habit or extra feeding due to a growth spurt or, for all I know, the magic of the full moon, I will get sore.  And then it will go away.

I never did get back in the habit of pumping regularly - it was just such a pain and once nursing itself seemed easier, it seemed like more trouble than it was worth.  I have a few times, for times when I knew I'd be out of the house for more than a few hours, but those times are few and far between, since most everything is in walking distance (I even got to walk to a spa for a massage as a Mother's Day gift) and that saves on time away. Luckily, the Yeti doesn't seem to care; again, most of the time Thumper wasn't really a drink-and-stare-adoringly kind of baby, so that wasn't the way they bonded anyway.  I am glad he got that experience in those early days anyway.

milk drunk at around 2 months old

By four months, just like almost everything else, breastfeeding really got much easier.  Other than the doctor's office after shots, I still have only had to nurse in public once; it just hasn't worked out that I've needed to, since we're often close to home.  I do get the feeling that Thumper would not be subtle in public nowadays, but I'll roll with that when it happens.

If I think there's a chance I might need to feed him while we're out, I'll make sure I'm wearing a stretchy Old Navy tank (their Tami, I could write an ode to those things and probably will) under whatever shirt I'm wearing.  That way, I can pull the shirt up, and the top of the tank down, and not feel like I'm getting naked in public.  I haven't had to, but I consider it as equivalent to taking the diaper bag; I know I'll inevitably regret it if I don't.

I'm reasonably sure Thumper gets adequate amounts of milk, but I've never been especially copious in production.  I don't feel my milk "letdown," and I don't typically leak (the few times I have, have been a shock).  I've never been able to manually express, unless I was super-super engorged, like if Thumper literally slept through the night.  I've only had one scare where I thought I wasn't producing enough, but it was enough to make me thankful that things have been going as smoothly as they have for so long.

Thus, I have bought formula, to mix in with his cereal when we try that.  The general rule of thumb I've heard from our doctor is "food before one is just for fun."  So, in theory, I'll feed Thumper as normal first, and then whatever little bites of food he consumes are extra.  I've read I should use "formula or breastmilk" to mix in with his food.  Personally, I feel my breastmilk is too precious and limited to waste time pumping, to mix into food, only to have most of it thrown out.  I'm not a faucet and I'd rather it go where it can do the most good.

I'll admit, it's kind of weird thinking about giving him formula.  Not because there's anything wrong with it, but for so long the general mantra is "only breastmilk" for all those health benefits you hear about.  I can count on one hand the number of other liquids he's ingested (like, for example, Tylenol).  I have to remind myself that he'll be consuming all sorts of food now; a bit of formula mixed in is certainly no worse than anything else.

So we've made through those first six months of breastfeeding, the ones that are cited as the most beneficial time to be exclusively breastfeeding.  When I think of it that way, I know some would say I should feel proud, but I still feel like it's mostly the luck of the draw - I'm just lucky that I was able to do something that was important to me.  I don't feel like I did anything in particular.  I feel relief that it's worked out so far.

My next goal was one year, mostly just because I was told that was how long I was nursed and it's just an idea I latched on to sometime in my teens.  My mother clarified the other day that it was actually fourteen months.  Funny, because I just read a study on women who had gestational diabetes; the study claimed that women who'd breastfed up to fourteen months lowered their chances of then getting Type II diabetes.  Since my skinny, active father has Type II, and I had gestational, I have a feeling I'm at risk for II myself and fourteen months doesn't seem that much different from twelve - so I'm thinking I'm extending the goal to fourteen.

Still, though, I'll mostly carry on the way I have thus far; just glad I can contribute something extra that's beneficial, and fairly easily to boot.

Less drunk, more snooze

One and Done?

Over the last few months I've had to go to the doctor for a few little things, and every time they ask the same questions: Do you want to go on birth control pills?  What are your plans for birth control?

It's a harder question than one would expect.  I've had a long and complicated relationship with The Pill.  I was a freshman in high school when my period started to become more of an Event: cramps that grew increasingly debilitating over the years. PMS symptoms that began a week before I actually started, and then a period that lasted a full week after that, so I was spending half my life dealing with my menstrual cycle.  Headaches, nausea, the whole kit and caboodle.

I just assumed that was the luck of the draw and I had to deal.  It grew worse until my senior year, when I bowed out of a trip to the mall with my mother and sister after the cramps started.  Sure, I'd had to leave school in the middle of the day from pain, but when I gave up the mall, that's apparently when my mother knew something was really wrong.

I was put on the pill, and it was like the heavens opened up and choirs of angels sang.  Suddenly everything was manageable.  A few years later I had to go back; most of my physical symptoms were much better, but I still had what I unaffectionately called The Crazy, PMS that quite literally left me irrational at times.  My mother's reassuring "I used to throw things, but I grew out of it by the time I was 30" was less than comforting at 19.  And I don't know that the Yeti would have stayed with me much longer.

They switched me to Yasmin, which was new at the time, and again, the choirs of angels.  I stayed on it for several years, but then started to get breakthrough bleeding.  I switched to Yaz, but wasn't on it for very long; it never felt quite right, maybe because it was so similar to Yasmin and I had "grown out of it."  I switched to another one, but it too was never "quite right."

Then my blood pressure suddenly went up and I had to go off the pill altogether.  The Yeti and I were concerned; I was afraid the debilitating cramps would come back, and he was afraid The Crazy would.  Happily, neither was the case.  I was around 27 by then; my mother's magic number 30 wasn't that far away.

I didn't get pregnant 'til I was almost 30.  In the meantime, we used condoms, which weren't a perfect solution but not terrible.  And on the whole, I felt better being off the hormones.  The fact that every time I turned on the TV or looked on Facebook I saw an ad about a class action lawsuit against Yasmin and Yaz helped too.

So when I was asked at my six-week postpartum appointment if I wanted to go back on hormonal birth control, I said I didn't.  I told my doctor we'd use condoms in the meantime and got a raised eyebrow.

The follow-up question is always what our long-term family plans are, and I simply don't know.  Are you supposed to know if you want more children, immediately after having your first?  Before I had Thumper, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted a child.  I was open to the idea of more than one, but I figured I'd start with one and go from there.

On the whole, labor was relatively easy for me.  Even pregnancy was, in terms of how I felt most of the time.  But on the other hand, I was high-risk the entire time, taking two pills four times a day to manage my blood pressure by the end.  I had the magnesium, but I did luck out in that I didn't get pre-ecclampsia.  Thumper may or may not have been smaller due to my bp, but he was also a robust, healthy baby - during all those weeks of NSTs and labor he was never in distress, always thumping merrily along.

I kind of feel like every pregnancy is a roulette wheel, and I really lucked out with Thumper.  And then I wonder if I should quit while I'm ahead.   But on the other hand, if I do want another child, I don't want to wait too long, both for the risks and my own energy levels.

The Yeti would be content stopping now but doesn't want to deny me if I have a burning need for another.  And that's when I realize: currently, I don't have a burning need for another.  If I found out tomorrow my uterus was closed for business, I'd be fine.  So I guess until I feel strongly otherwise, I'll try not to worry about it.

It's hard not having a plan, though.  Especially when I'm asked and all I have is an honest "I don't know."

old pic I found comparing Wondfo and First Response, both 12 DPO

Refuse to Snooze

I haven't been posting much because I've basically been sleeping whenever I can.  Last month we seemed to be settling into a good sleep routine, but really it was a fleeting moment of peace before the great upheaval.  Sigh.

Once upon a time, Thumper was a newborn, who slept in few-hour bursts but regularly.  I could put him down at night, awake, and he'd quietly fall asleep within a few minutes.  Similarly, for naps I'd pop him in the swing and he'd be out like a light.

To think I was so worried about transitioning him into a full-sized crib for night sleeping.  That went fairly smoothly, though somehow we seem to have fallen into a routine where I hang out with him and nurse him to sleep at night, then transfer him to the crib.  Not even sure how that happened.  I feel vaguely tricked.  So much for putting him down drowsy.

But I don't even really care at this point, because I do enjoy the time holding him.  You know how some cats are "lap cats" and others act like you're trying to trap them in a bag?  Thumper's the baby equivalent of the latter, most of the time.  But at night he relaxes and it's sweet.

Unfortunately, naps are a different matter.  Oh, they'd be great if he could stay in his swing 'til he starts school, but his feet are already resting on the cushioned rim of the seat and he'll only get bigger.  So I thought I'd begin the process of transitioning him to napping in the crib.  By "transitioning" I mean he's actually only slept a few times and the rest of the time I wimp out and he eventually winds up in the swing.  I tell myself it's a slow process and at least he's enjoying playing in his crib, but really I have no idea what I'm doing and the whole thing takes so. much. longer.

That would still only be an annoyance if he were getting good sleep at night.  However, a string of milestones (rolling over!  Working on sitting up! I swear he's already working on crawling!) means that while he goes down relatively easily, he pops up a few hours later.  Some nights (like last night) he only wakes up twice.  Other nights it's much more than that.

Then yesterday was the worst.  First he was awake seemingly every hour overnight.  Then every time I put him down for a nap - regardless of venue - he'd be about to drift off or sleeping for a few minutes, then spring awake screaming.  I'd keep him up for a little bit, change him, feed him, whatever, then try again, only to have the same thing happen.  This went on for about four hours, until he finally passed out with me holding him.

Then it happened.  I felt a tickling in my throat.  Oh no!  I have semi-regular allergies and lately a little nasal drip has led to coughing fits.  If he's asleep I make a mad dash to the bathroom, so I can close the door and hack to my heart's content.  I tried swallowing, making a gentle cough in my throat, to no avail.  My nose was starting to run.  I made an executive decision: dump him in the crib on the way to the bathroom and hope he stayed asleep.

I was halfway to the crib when everything failed at once.  Thumper startled awake, started crying.  Almost simultaneously I burst into coughs.  Which then scared the baby.  Which then led to more crying.

I finished hacking, hustled back to the couch and miraculously Thumper fell right back asleep on me.  Where he stayed for two hours.  You can bet I wasn't moving for anything.

This behavior, though, was so unlike him that I checked his temperature (no fever) and aimlessly googled getting a six-month-old to sleep.  One site helpfully mentioned he might be teething.

Teething.  Immediately I felt like an idiot.  Just the day before we'd finally felt the ridge of his first tooth breaking through.  And earlier on the crying day (pre-cry) I noticed that when he laughed I could actually see the tooth now.  Of course.  Just another stop on the milestone train that also happened to disrupt sleep.

The rest of the night he was fine, albeit a bit subdued.  That night he slept a "normal" amount, only getting up twice.  I feel like a new woman.  And while today's first nap did end suddenly in tears after about 10 minutes (just long enough for him to then be all "I'VE POWERNAPPED WHERE'S THE PARTY") I put him down again later and he's been sleeping for over an hour.

Regardless, I feel like we can handle this teething thing.  Just, oh, about twenty more teeth to go.

someone must be chopping onions in here

Well Played, Lucie

So a few years ago, long before I was pregnant with Thumper, Pinterest introduced the concept of "secret boards" and I started one for the potential future pregnancy/baby.  I pinned an article that was a list of baby registry basics (though I never wound up having a registry) and a million pictures of maternity clothes (incidentally, all of which would prove to be completely the wrong season when I actually was pregnant).  Then I lost interest in Pinterest altogether, and forgot about checking any pins whilst pregnant.

A few months ago I remembered, and checked out that newborn list, which is from a site called Lucie's List.  Oh, if only I'd actually remembered it while I was buying everything!  The funniest part was that I actually independently purchased many items from the list, from the very big like the Pack'n'Play Napper as a bassinet to the not-so-big like this Skip Hop diaper bag (which I got in a killer Black Friday deal, if I may brag).  I would have probably done almost as much back-and-forth review-reading anyway, but it wouldn't have been starting from zero.

I signed up for the site's email list, which sends you additional information and recommendations as your baby grows.  Yet, somehow, I keep forgetting about it.  And that's why I'll go nuts researching some developmental issue or product to buy, only to have an email about it pop up a few days later.

I refer to these emails as "Lucie," even though I know the woman who runs it is named Meg - Lucie is her daughter.  Still, I'll tell the Yeti, "Lucie sent an email about sleeping through the night" or "Lucie's done it again!" (referring to recommending a product right after I bought it).  Most recently this happened with high chairs; I agonized for a few days, pulled the trigger and ordered one, and the very next day got an email with high chair recommendations.  And yes, mine was on the list; this was actually reassuring.  I had also already ordered the bowls and spoons she wound up recommending.  One thing I hadn't thought of?  Bibs.

You got me that time, Lucie.

*Note: I haven't assembled the high chair or started solids yet with Thumper, who turns six months in a few days.  The Yeti is particularly excited about starting this so I think it'll be soon.

**Also, I know so many blogs have sponsors but this isn't one of them.  All products and sites are mentioned because I actually use them voluntarily.  Hardly anyone is reading this, much less paying me.

Diaper bag in action