Who, Me?

I've always wanted to be a mother.  In fact, if you'd asked me, in elementary school, what my goals in life were, they were to be an author and a mother (and after a few detours here and there, that hasn't really changed).  My biological clock started ticking loud and clear in college and I spent the better part of a decade watching A Baby Story and reading mommy blogs.  Doing other things, too, but that was always there.

That all being said, the emotional aspects of being a mother did not come easily.  When I got pregnant, I was actually weirded out because I didn't feel some immediate emotional bond.  Part of this was fear and anxiety and superstition, I'm sure - I knew everything that could go wrong and I didn't want to get attached, especially at the beginning.  I spent the first few weeks saying things to the Yeti like "it's still just a bunch of cells at this point" and "Now it's the size of a poppyseed" - all true, of course, but partly to distance myself.

It wasn't until my NT scan at eleven weeks, when the being on the ultrasound had transformed from a motionless blob to a barrel-rolling baby form, that I started to unclench.  And then it wasn't really until around 20 weeks that I really started to think of the pregnancy as a future baby (perhaps because my morning sickness finally abated around then and I could actually think a little).

Actually having a baby was a slow transition as well.  I consider myself a fairly emotional person, but I didn't burst into happy tears at Thumper's birth.  I was more in awe that he really existed, I suppose.  We'd kept his name a secret from friends and family (we did not need or want a peanut gallery on that one, but rest assured his real name is not Thumper) and we hadn't even really used his name between the two of us - maybe more superstition on my part I suppose.  So then we had this baby and I wasn't used to thinking of him by name.   For the first month he was mostly "the baby" or "he" (no ambiguity when you say, "I think he needs a diaper change").

Sure, I was overcome by love (sometimes ridiculously so - hi there, postpartum hormones!) but I had to get to know him, I guess.  Nowadays, he's a completely integrated part of our family, and in addition to loving him, I like him, too.  The Yeti feels the same way; sometimes I get texts from him in the middle of the day about how he misses Thumper.  It's adorable.

Similarly, I'd spent all those years waiting to become a mom, but when the time came it was difficult for me to process that I had finally stepped into those shoes.  I saw a press release about the new Jem movie, and it said something like, "All the cool moms would be interested in this."  I didn't connect it to me, even though I grew up watching the Jem cartoon, was a new mother, and was indeed likely the exact demographic they were talking about.  It wasn't that I felt I was too cool to be a Mom, or anything like that; it just seemed foreign to me.

Recently we went out to dinner with some friends.  I hadn't seen them since before the birth of Thumper.  We've kept up with family through Skype, but to friends we've probably fallen off the planet with the exception of Facebook.

Listening to ourselves at dinner, I realized that at some point in the last four months the Yeti and I have become Parents.  I don't know when exactly it happened; it certainly didn't feel like it was the moment I actually gave birth.  Still, somehow without noticing I've completely internalized the Mom title.  The Yeti has embraced the Dad role as well - not a surprise to me, but potentially to those who see a grizzly bear of a guy and don't know him as well as I do.

Maybe it's all part of the magic that is the end of the "Fourth Trimester."  When Thumper was a newborn, 12 weeks was held up as a perfect number.  Tummy troubles?  Give it til twelve weeks, maybe sixteen.  Breastfeeding?  You'll feel much better by three months.  Colic-like purple crying?  Many babies are over it by then.  

...It would be silly except it's all kinda true.

On top of Thumper settling into the world outside the womb, I've been feeling much better myself.  No, I'm not 100% like I was pre-pregnancy, physically, but I felt drastically more like myself starting at around twelve weeks.  The fourth month was even better.  You'll hear all about digestive issues throughout pregnancy and labor, but no one told me that stuff might not be working as usual for weeks after.  In fact, you could say it things were irregular until... around twelve-sixteen weeks.

Even my brain started to de-fog around then.  I think I was finally adjusting to my new sleep schedule and getting more sleep as well.  That's why this blog started around then - prior to that I was still on some form of survival mode.  

I have no doubt that others bounce back immediately after having a kid - my own mother is one of them.  And some start thinking of themselves as "Mommy" before they're even pregnant.  I just seem to need a little time to get used to everything.

Even when the 'everything' is super awesome.